Life has been pretty busy around our house for the last month or so. I started a new job, working full time and still trying to be the mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend that I got to be before I started work. It seems like I am always running here or there, there is always something more to do, or something that needs to be done before moving on to the next thing. Finding time to relax, to take in the special moments, and to appreciate the time with my family and friends has been more difficult, and more cherished in the last few weeks.
With all that go time, and the urgency to get so much done, I’ve started to think about my priorities a lot more. I’ve realized that I don’t have the time to put things off, that I can’t take care of things later, and that some things need to be handled right now. But the things that come to mind with this urgency are not the dishes that have to be cleaned before the babysitter comes over, or the laundry that needs to be done, or the Pre-K registration form that must be turned in, or the bills that have to be paid. While all this is stuff that needs to be taken care of within a time frame, that are greater tasks that need to be completed NOW.
I’ve been faced with my own mortality quite a bit lately. From driving my husband’s truck (a literal moving target when you are on the road- I swear people swerve to hit that vehicle), to food poisoning, to an allergic reaction to some cleaning materials, I’ve had some close calls that really made me think about how I would leave things if I died today. And for the most part, I’m not too concerned about the fact that someone would have to clean out my disorganized storage room, or try to make sense of my “organized mess” of a dresser top.
Mostly, I worry that someone would have regrets about me. If I die today, I’m sure my children would know that I love them, that my husband would know how much he means to me, that my friends and family would know how much I cherish them. At least I hope so. But I have relationships that I’m not proud of, that have ended or slipped away, or have met with conflict that I never got around to resolving. I don’t want someone to carry hard feelings about me, and I don’t want someone to feel guilty about the way we left things. I certainly hope no one rejoices in the fact that I am dead (although I hope they are joyful about my afterlife).
I believe that coincidences are God’s way of telling us we are moving in the right direction. I’ve been experiencing a TON of coincidences in the last two months, which has been reassuring. And it seems like my prayers are answered quickly if they are genuine and asked with humble recognition that we follow God’s will. So this morning, I prayed for guidance from the Lord. I asked Him to help me solve the problems in my relationships, and after I said my prayer, I grabbed a Bible and let it fall open on my lap 3 times. Each time I received the same message: solve your problems now, don’t wait. Be wise and humble, and fix it now. I suppose I should try to do this pretty quickly, and swallow my pride where I can. I always pray that God will give me the words I need, and the opportunity to initiate the conversation.
Aside from the complicated relationships, I also feel a sense of urgency with my children. I want them to know how much I love them, and I want the to know how much God loves them. I want them to have a good relationship with God, and it seems we are heading in that direction. Though we usually say traditional prayers at dinner and bedtime (and in the car and in the bathroom and pretty much all the time), I started thanking Jesus for something special that happened during the day when Jayne was saying her bedtime prayers. Her daddy did it too, and so she has started to pray her own prayers. Especially sweet was when she told me that she prayed in bed by herself, asking Jesus to help her find the missing shoe she left at Walmart. The twins pray too, mumbling along to our dinner and bedtime prayers, and folding their hands in church every time we say, “Amen.” I’m hopeful that my commitment to our prayer life will keep my children ready for Christ’s call, and prepared for the inevitable hard times they will face. When I think about their little souls, the urgency to bring them to God seems very real, especially as the country trends further from my values.
If tomorrow doesn’t come, I hope that the things I do today will have solved the problems that were pressing, and that I chose the right priorities to complete.