I should never blog at almost 2 a.m. but wedding photos on Facebook have me sitting here crying. I realize that I’ve been bottling up my emotions and just trying to not think about too much right now. Too much being that I am getting divorced. Divorce was never in my plans. You would think after over a year of hell on earth I would be past crying. I guess what really makes me cry now is going back and looking at the old photos of the two young kids with so much promise in store for their lives together and now looking back knowing all the times things went so wrong. How I so wish I could go back and guide their path. IF ONLY…..you could have made it. But it just doesn’t work that way.
To look back at two people, each of whom I don’t even know anymore. Who was I then, and what was I thinking getting married at eighteen right out of high school? Where was the fire? I know I was desperately in love with that man, the man I no longer know and I’m not sure now I ever knew. That’s what makes me sad. Thinking I had something I never had in the first place.
It’s weird, I know I have had plenty of time to grieve the loss of the relationship but I find myself shutting all emotion down lately to a point where I feel hardly anything. I still love and if I don’t shut down it hurts. It’s getting easier though to let it not get to me, but I still find myself shutting down. That scares me because I also find myself just not feeling much of anything, but if I do start to think about it I just break down and cry. I’ve heard this whole process will be like a death. I’ll get back to you on that.
Also, Justin Bieber songs make me sad. He promises so much. I don’t believe him. Boys lie. Also Rascal Flatts lie, they will Let Go. Ok, I’m just anti-love song right now. I need more Kelly Clarkson, ‘Stronger’, type music, but I’m listening to the Biebs.