Live long enough and you find out that life just sucks sometimes. For years I’d go to church and sing songs about praising God through trials and pain, and to look back at that now I could almost just laugh. What trials and pain? I hadn’t a clue. I can’t give you details of my life but I can tell you my pain. I can tell you how sometimes the unthinkable becomes reality and your whole world flips on it’s axis. Life goes from peaceful, perfect, and happy to everyday being a roller coaster ride of emotions, misery, and grief. Guess what, I’m angry. I think we are told we aren’t supposed to feel anger, and then feel bad when we do. If God created anger then it isn’t wrong, it’s just how you focus and deal with your anger.
I’m very passive-aggressive which is not a good thing. I hold all of my anger inside and then when I’ve had enough I explode in angry outbursts and hurtful words. I’ve been told this is who I really am, when I am angry. That is not true. I’d hate to judge you on an angry outburst, would that be fair? Would that one outburst prove who you really are as a person, or would it show something deeper? I read a quote that said what people say in anger is how they really feel so don’t forget it, I think that is bull. I think behind anger is a lot of frustration and hurt. I am deeply hurt and deeply frustrated and I hold it all in trying to be strong until I just blow up taking it out on my target. I have no right to do that. I hate the person I am sometimes, and how in anger I hurt people I love. The anger just pushes the people I care about the most even further away and makes the divide grow.
It’s a vicious vicious cycle. I don’t know another way to react sometimes and sometimes it’s like a drug that overtakes me. I can be in the middle of an angry outburst and know that what I’m saying is not right or even how I feel but it’s coming out and I can’t stop it. I’m not even sure I want to stop sometimes. Then after the adrenaline stops pumping reality sets back in and I realize all the damage I’ve caused. When all I wanted or should have said in the first place was I’m hurting inside, can’t you see that? It’s hard to be vulnerable and I use anger as a shield so you don’t see the real me.
“When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.”-1 Peter 2:23
Jesus was treated all kinds of ways; homeless, betrayed, beaten, mocked, nailed to a cross and left to suffocate, yet not once did he retaliate or try to defend himself. He always entrusted himself to God and knew that no matter how bad life got, His Father was taking care of Him. The man knew how to keep His mouth shut. We live in a world that says, me me me, all the time. You wronged me, well buddy “you are going to pay for what you did and here is how”! “Do me wrong and I’ll let you have it and feel good about myself again”. “No one is going to pull one over on me!” That’s just our natural tendency. I’m trying to fight it, I’m trying to be a better person but I still make mistakes. I still can’t seem to bite my tongue and my frustration lets loose. I don’t know how to be open and vulnerable, and I’m not sure I want to, it’s scary. But the solution seems to be to take that path and just say, “I’m hurting inside and I need your help”.
These lyrics say it all for me:
“I’m angry every mornin’ ‘for I get up out the bed, this dog keep on barkin’ I’m a bust him in the head
Uncle keep on trippin’ if he want to he can get it too, anybody say another word I’m a act a fool
I hit the door, brush my fitted to the side, heart full of pride, anger in my eyes
Been this way since the day I seen my homie die, now I’m mad at the world and I hate that I’m alive
Really hate to say it ’cause it’s killin’ me inside, all I wanna be is loved and it’s eatin’ me alive
Don’t nobody love me man, my momma and my daddy gone, uncle ain’t my uncle ’cause I’m livin’ in the foster home
I say I’m saved but I’m scared of the truth, ’cause I read Galatians 5 and I didn’t see the fruit
I don’t know what else to do, I don’t know what else to say, so I hit my knees and pray, “God take this thing away”
“Would die for my respect but, I got no humility, and Jesus paid my debt while I reject Him willingly
And man I got some nerve, holdin’ anger in my heart, the Father coulda come serve me that beef up A La Carte
Not to mention torture Jesus took on my misfortune, I’ve been freed from the law, but I’m servin’ these court orders
Unforgiveness is my pedigree, say you sorry, better be, better being mad at you, than tryin’ to be a better me.
Ain’t nothin’ in my workin’ tryna’ demonstrate His worth, and though He show me plenty grace, I don’t extend the other person
So that anger led to murder, when you pull up on the murder scene, it’s Jesus nailed upon that cross, yeah the murderer was me.
1st Peter 2:23 man, when they used to hurl insults at Jesus, He didn’t retaliate. He intrusted Himself to the One that judges justly.
The gospel manages our anger, ya feel me? The solution is to gain a heart that’s thankful for grace in Jesus Christ!”