Goodwill, and Peace on Earth?

Someone please tell me I’m not alone when it comes to shopping with kids.

Someone….anyone….is this thing on?

As you know, my grandfather died, and since I will be going to the funeral I needed something to wear. I dug deep into my closet looking for black slacks, because I knew I had them. One thing you should know about me is that I love a good deal and that I tend to buy black slacks like they’re going out of style at JCPenney’s when they clearance them for $2.99. So believe me, I have black slacks. Previously most of my black slacks did not fit, and I was excited to try them on because since last May, I have lost around 30 pounds. I found a pair that I really loved and guess what people, they were too big! In fact, practically falling off of me. I was going to tough it out and just wear these pants but decided that it’s no fun walking around in high heels, at a funeral carrying a baby all the while hoping your pants don’t fall to the ground. So I did what any cheap clearance loving girl does and headed to Goodwill….with three kids.

This is where all the fun starts.

We pull into our parking spot and I begin to recall in my mind the last time I attempted to shop here. You would think my kids had no toys by the way they pleaded and begged for the junk that Goodwill sells. I decided to make my “don’t test me speech” and proceeded to tell them that there would be consequences if they raided the toys and begged me for junk. We then headed confidently inside.

Things were going smoothly until mommy needed to try on clothes. That seems to always be the moment things go south, when you are standing half naked in a changing room with three kids. It’s like they know they are trapped and they want out NOW! Don’t forget this is also the moment that that person who never texts you starts sending 1,000 texts that must be answered immediately or they may die. And also the moment I need fashion advice from Emily about the weird top that was cute on the hanger but now looks like maybe it’s a dress?

Here is the scene: Me frantically trying on clothes and texting while Oliver throws things from the cart. Kaileigh is sitting on a bench that I’m pretty sure goes in a Payless, while Jaden who is supposed to be SITTING on the bench frequently falls on the floor and tears the edging off the bench. Jaden throat chops Kaileigh who bursts into tears. I put Jaden back on the bench and he bursts into tears because the bench hurt his leg. I then try to console them both while they scream bloody murder, while in my mind I just know everyone in the store thinks I’m in there beating them. I wish I had a picture folks, or maybe video.

It gets better.

I finally decide I’ve found good enough pants and head to the check out line. This is when Kaileigh decides that I need to take her to see the toys. Really? Don’t we have a whole room of that junk at home?

Apparently not.

I try to ignore this because I guess I’m just used to it, and there is no point in fighting it…in GOODWILL!

That’s when I notice the old woman in line in front of me. She kept turning around and giving me the stink eye. About this time I’m wishing for the old lady that tells me to just enjoy this moment, but she’s nowhere around.

Only her.

I’m sure she’s lovely, and was probably never a mom. But then again…

Don’t forget this is the longest line ever….at GOODWILL!

Someone please help me!

Yeah boys, being cute doesn’t help.

With no end to the meltdown in site that’s when suddenly a sweet old man appears.

Usually overly friendly people creep me out, but I was more than happy to let this nice old man give my kid some money so she would stop crying. He actually gave her a dollar so she could get what she wanted. I guess he scared her, because she immediately stopped crying and gave me a big hug.

And as if all that wasn’t enough, I let each kid get a caffeinated beverage.

As we FINALLY approach the cashier, she asks me how I’m doing.

All I can do is laugh.

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